Got Milk? Maybe Not...

Breastfeeding is a word that packs quite a punch.  While pregnant, I was adamant that I would breastfeed even asking advice of friends and taking a class at the hospital where I would deliver.  I desperately wanted that maternal connection with my baby in the most natural way I could imagine. 

The scene six weeks after my daughter's birth was very different than I expected.  Right from the start I struggled with producing enough breast milk for my daughter.  The lactation specialist at the hospital had numerous suggestions and I tried them all. The reality came crashing down around me that no matter how hard I was working, my body wasn't responding to the basic needs of my newborn.  I worked at length with a lactation specialist who finally said, "It is okay to quit.  You are doing everything you can.  Sometimes women with your condition (PCOS) don't make enough milk."  I was devastated. I cried and cried and insisted on trying everyday even though I knew my production wasn't increasing. I was spending more time stressing about breastfeeding than I was enjoying the early days of my precious daughter. 

With all that said and all the support I received, I was surprised by the stigma that was attached to breastfeeding. Strangers ask if you are breastfeeding like it is the most normal question to ask of someone.  The looks I received when buying formula spoke volumes and suddenly I felt like a pariah.  I knew I had done everything I could for my baby and yet I was being judged so quickly by those around me.  When I was asked the question I dreaded most, "Are you breastfeeding?", I felt the need to explain the situation and rationalize out my choice.  A choice.  A choice that every mom can make and should not feel guilty about regardless of the reason for it. 

In my search to squelch my guilt, my husband found an amazing article online.  I felt a kinship with the author as though she understood my position.  Then I made the mistake of reading the comments following her article.  People posted horrific things that judged all moms that choose not to breastfeed whether medically driven or not. 

So, I take to my new blog to put my feelings on paper.  I desperately want NOT to feel like less of a mother because I can't breastfeed.  I want to be okay with the choice I feel forced to make.  Bottles have made life at home easier and I can enjoy my daughter's first moments because I'm not stressing over the next feeding.  Do I wish things had been different? Certainly.  Can I change the way my body works?  No.  I'm coming to terms with decision to stop stressing over breastfeeding and start living again.  I just hope that I can reach out to those that insist on judging others and enlighten them on my journey.  I feel enough guilt over what I "should" be able to do for my child that I don't need your crass comments, disapproving looks, or whispers.  In the end, my daughter and I will be just fine.